Who is that?

Disclaimer: If you are thinking I am going to be funny or light hearted in this note...I am not. This note it a letter to myself about what I have done to myself. I am sending it to you as a possible accountability thing. If it is out there....I KNOW it is out there.

Yesterday in church....I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the sunglasses of the guy in front of me. His fancy Oakley's were resting on the back of his neck the way so many men wear them. I saw this woman and truly did not know it was me. My first thought was...who is that? Ha...it was me. I was disgusted. Do I actually not see the truth? I truly feel about inside...right there on the spot. What in the hell is wrong with me? It is NOT okay for me to be this way. Please God help me get control.

I have always struggled with my weight. In high school, I thought I was fat because all of my friends were smaller than me. I wore a size 7/8 PEOPLE. That is not fat. My wedding dress was a 6. That is not fat. Nevertheless, I though everyone was looking at me because I was fat.

I began to gain weight when I was pregnant with my oldest. And so it goes. I wish I could be one of those people who loves themself for what they are, fat and all. I am not. I do not like myself. It shows. I do not take care of myself and that medicine in my cabinet shows that too. I am falling apart and doing nothing about it.

I am 43. I have, anxiety, high blood pressure, high cholestrol, arthritis, chest pains, carpal tunnel and who in the hell knows what else. I understand that sometimes when we get older, we let ourselves go. We get comfortable with life. I have been "comfortable" too long.

My weight keeps me from hanging out with friends. I have become a recluse in some ways. I want to go "home" and visit friends and family that I haven't seen in years...but I will not. I am embarassed. I would love to sing at church, but I will not dare. I think my family is ashamed of me. I think my friends are ashamed. I wonder why anyone would even like or love me. I don't have issues....I have a subscription. My mama tells me I am beautiful and my husband tells me that I have the biggest heart of anyone he knows. All I see is the someone who can't wear a cute bra or cute jeans.

I am wallering in my sadness. No one has force fed me or held me down so I wouldn't exercise. I can blame no one but me, but I am so sad. So disappointed in me.

I have always thought it was selfish to pray for God to help me with my weight. There are so many other things out there for Him to worry about. I need help. I need accountability.

I will try not to write sad notes, but I have to be real. I will journal this journey. If you do not want it...please tell me. I understand. I will, however, take all of the tips and encouragement I can get. I have done every diet in the book but now I will start with little things. Little victories. This is truly personal for me.

I love you all,

Barefoot in Bows,
Lori